Battle of the Bands
by Dragonlord Stephi
Summary: When Medusa, Viridi, and Palutena complain of the boys' terrible music, they strike back and challenge them to a battle of the bands. Not to be outdone, they hire Pittoo as a judge and set out to make them eat their words.


**Battle of the Bands**

**In which some people get fed up with terrible music and decide to prove once and for all who is superior.**

Starring: **The GORGON GIRLS (Medusa** {main}, **Palutena, Viridi, Gaol, Phosphora); The Kool Flamz (Hades, Magnus, Pyrrhon, Pit); Darke (soloist- Dark Pit)**

**Medusa: **Ooh, I'm in this one! The writer didn't put me in the last one.

**Narrator: **Yes and yes. Astute observations.

**Medusa: **So, I get my own band, is that it?

**Viridi: **What makes you think it's YOUR band?

**Medusa: **It's called 'Gorgon Girls.' Show me another gorgon who lives around here.

**Dark Pit: **Who knows how that name happened? If I had a band, I'd be the only person in it. Other people would just dumb down my raw talent.

**Pit: **It's not a band if only one person's in it.

**Dark Pit: **Whatever, Pitstain. Could you just start the story, please?

**Phosphora: **Oooooh, a story! Well, go on, tell it!

**Narrator: **Yes, of course. Ahem…

Medusa unplugged the radio, annoyance distorting her features. Medusa was actually pretty good-looking, with the exception of the roiling mass of snakes on her head that replaced most of her hair, compliment of Palutena. There was a long, angsty story behind that.

Viridi looked up from the comic book she was reading. "Why'd you turn it off? I was listening."

"To Justin Beaver?"

_"Bieber," _Viridi corrected. "So what if I was?"

"Of course you'd be," Medusa sniffed. "After all, his fandom is completely comprised of little girls."  
"Is not!" Viridi protested. She seemed ready to say more, but then both she and Medusa clutched their ears as they were assaulted by a cacophony of noise. Pounding drums, crashing cymbals, banging keys, and chaotic chords strummed on an electric guitar that had every effect turned on nearly burst their heads. Medusa's snakes wailed in protest, adding to the din. The Queen of the Underworld slapped them to quiet them, but was bitten in the pinkie in return for her efforts. Above the rampaging screeches of botched- well, music was a stretch- rose Pit's microphone voice, singing, "My BAD BAD ANGELLLL!"

"What the-" Viridi screamed, still plugging her ears.

A moment later, Palutena came dashing down the stairs, earmuffs firmly planted over her ears. She caught sight of the pain-stricken Viridi, Medusa, and snakes, and mouthed the word, 'Basement.' Then she took off running, Medusa and Viridi in pursuit. It is amazing how fast one can run when in physical, music-induced pain. All three of them reached the bottom of the basement steps in less than a minute.

The sight that greeted them was so terrifying that Medusa desperately wishing brain bleach had been invented. All four of the- again, music and musicians are not exactly the correct words- were dressed in skin-tight clothing that were reminiscent of the 1970s disco era. Gaudy colors flashed across the walls, bouncing off the disco ball hanging in the middle of the ceiling. Hades in disco garb… not a pretty sight. The Lord of the Underworld was slapping piano keys seemingly randomly. Next to him, Magnus pummeled the drums so hard it was a wonder there were no holes in them yet. Surprisingly, despite the fact that he was constantly on fire, Pyrrhon was neither melting the guitar he was shoddily strumming nor setting it on fire. As for Pit… Palutena hoped to never see him dressed like that again and made a mental note to ban 1970s dance clothes as part of the angel dress code.

"YO heart so heavy YA SIIIIINK like STOOOONNEE," Pit 'sang,' very off-key. "YUR my litl' birdie that's NEVA FLOOOWNNN! 'Cuz yur my bad BAD ANGELLLLLL!" He started to sing a trill, but stopped, eyes wide, as Palutena's hand covered his mouth. His brown eyes looked into her green ones and he knew that she was angry beyond words. Whatever she said next, it wouldn't be good.

Magnus, Hades, and Pyrrhon stopped playing and grew tense. The silence was awkward and stiff, broken only by Palutena's sigh. "Get changed," she ordered, and moved her hand.

"Are you mad?" Pit's voice was small.

"No, Pit. I'm just disappointed."

He nodded, seeming almost ready to cry (_Disappointed! That's always worse than mad!_) and dashed upstairs.

"Way to be a spoil sport," Hades complained, throwing his arms into the air.

"What happened here?" Viridi asked.

"First practice of the Kool Flamz," Pyrrhon answered. "Our music touches the soul!"

"It does a lot more than _touch,_" Palutena muttered.

"I'd like to see you write better music!" Magnus growled.

"We will!" Medusa growled. "Let's go, girls." In perfect synchronization, all three pivoted and stormed off, noses in the air. Five minutes later, Medusa surveyed the assembled girl deities who had decided to help her in her quest to make good music: Phosphora, Viridi, Palutena, and Gaol. "First things first," Medusa said. "We need a band name."

"Electrolytes!" shouted Phosphora.

"No."

"AC/DC?"

"Taken."

"Flower Fun?" Viridi suggested. "Pansie Party?"

"No and definitely not."

"Goddess Girls?" Palutena thought aloud.

"Aren't those books for like, fifth graders?" Gaol replied. "How about 'Cursed Armor?'"

"No," Medusa shot it down. "What, are you trying to shove the fact that it was cursed down my throat? I wanted to make sure you'd follow me."

"I would've then. Not now."

Things were about to get ugly, so naturally, Palutena stepped in as peace-maker. "Guys, that's in the past. Don't forget that Medusa and I have lots of bad blood between us too, and we're sort of getting along. The point is, we're stuck living in this mansion, so we have to live with each other too. Now… band names."

"Gorgon Girls," Medusa mumbled.

"Not bad," Phosphora acknowledged. "I like it."

"It's fine," Viridi dismissed.

"Better than 'Cursed Armor,'" Gaol admitted.

"Hold on, no way!" Palutena protested. "I know I said we have to get along, but as goddess of light you seriously can't expect me to-"

"Shut up, you're outvoted," Medusa snapped. Thus, after numerous attempts at seeing what instruments each member could play the best, Gorgon Girls was born.

Medusa: Plays piano and keyboard like a boss.

Gaol: Surprisingly, she is Magnus's superior when it comes to playing the drums.

Viridi: If it's acoustic, she's a natural. Her voice isn't bad, but is too high to be anything but a back-up singer.

Phosphora: Does it really surprise you that she can play the electric guitar and bass?

Palutena: She's got a voice like a goddess. Heh heh. She sings well. Lead singer.

"Next, we have to pick the type of music we play," Medusa continued. It was her band. Somehow, she had become the unspoken leader- much to Palutena's chagrin- and she loved it.

"Country," Gaol named absentmindedly.

"My boyfriend stole my tractor!" Viridi bawled. "Ummm… the next part's not for kids… aha! WATTERRRR!"

"Country's lame," Phosphora said. "Not enough electric parts. Rock or metal?"

"WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!" Viridi sang. "YEEAHH!" She proceeded to flick her tongue like a rockstar and played air guitar.

"Pop?" Phosphora named the next genre that came to mind.

"I LOVE you, baby!" Viridi shrieked, dancing.

"Who gave her sugar?" Gaol demanded.

"How about alternative rock?" Palutena asked. "You know, like Of Monsters and Men?"

"My songs make no sense, I must have written them in my sleep! My head somehow has a pet dragonfly and you have bones that sink!"*** Viridi sang with a slight accent.

"There's nothing else," Medusa sighed. "So, who'll be our song writer?"

"I'll do it," Palutena volunteered. She spent the next couple of minutes scribbling out her masterpiece lyrics. Once they were completed, Gaol, Medusa, Phosphora, and Viridi wrote the accompanying instrumental parts. They were up until two in the morning, and even then they finished so quickly only because they had some divine inspiration, yet they had completed their magnum opus, a single called 'Angel in Disguise.' Then they wrote an official challenge to Kool Flamz, and delivered it via Viridi. She returned with the message that they did not appreciate being woken and that that they gladly accepted. All that remained was to find a judge.

*** Viridi is parodying 'Dirty Paws' and 'Your Bones' by Of Monsters and Men. You probably know that, but it's worth a mention.

Dark Pit, unlike most people at two in the morning, was wide awake. He was a night-owl. At the moment, he was mashing a button on an x-box controller with his thumb while on the screen, his in-game avatar performed a melee combo. Just as he was about to beat the Giant Ugly Boss With an Extremely Long Name that Spouts Evil, the door burst open and Medusa yanked the controller out of his hand.

"What?" Dark Pit tried grabbing the controller, but Medusa drew her hand back. On screen, the Giant Ugly Boss With an Extremely Long Name that Spouts Evil chomped the hero, and the screen went dark, proclaiming the words 'I'm Finished!'

"We need a judge," Medusa replied. "Tomorrow, we need a judge to tell us whether Kool Flamz or Gorgon Girls is the better band."

Dark Pit leaned back and yawned. "Why should I?"

"What, you want something out of it?" Gaol asked, voice clipped. "Shouldn't you be in bed, anyway?"

"Who're you, my mother? Go bother your own kid." Dark Pit retorted.

Gaol's face turned red and she stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

"What's her problem?" he muttered darkly.

"That was… insensitive," Palutena answered.

"What, I thought it was Magnus's kid, not hers!" he defended.

"I have theories," Palutena said slowly. "I think they're married."

"Steering back to the original subject," Medusa broke in. "I'll pay you 10,000 hearts."

"Can you convert that to dollars?" Dark Pit asked, perking up and sounding, at the least, mildly interested.

The next day, both bands soundproofed their practice areas, Kool Flamz in the basement and Gorgon Girls in the attic. Each was desperate to best the other, going to extreme lengths. Hades denied Pit a bathroom break until it was evident Pit couldn't hold it a moment longer and the floodgates were about to burst. Medusa would not allow Viridi to water her plants, no matter how much the goddess screamed, wailed, and protested that they were "starving, the poor babies."

Palutena rubbed her eyes and yawned. "Medusa, we've been up for a bit. We got maybe two, three hours' sleep, tops. Could we rest a bit?"

"No!" Medusa snapped. So it was that six o'clock rolled around and the bands met in the living room for the battle. Both were irritable, sleepy, and loathing the other. Like Gorgon Girls, Kool Flamz had not had much sleep after the challenge as well. Their bad mood increased as Dark Pit was first ten, then twenty minutes late. Half an hour passed and he was yet to be seen.

**CHOOSE!**

**If Dark Pit **doesn't show up**, go to Ending One.**

**If Dark Pit **does show up**, keep on reading.**

Finally, forty-five minutes late, Dark Pit appeared.

"You're late, Pittoey!" Pit accused.

"I fell asleep," Dark Pit replied nonchalantly. "Unlike you idiots. All of you look the complete opposite of Rip van Winkle." He very deliberately avoided eye contact with Gaol as he spoke.

"Just start the competition, please!" Hades snarled.

"Yeah, yeah. I was getting there. Kool Flamz, you're first." Dark Pit sat down on a leather arm chair and pointed to a buzzer. "If your music makes my ears bleed, I'll press it and you'll automatically forfeit to the other team- er, band."

"Okey-dokey," Pyrrhon said.

"Then please," Dark Pit yawned, "serenade me."

"One, two, ah one, two, three, four!" Magnus counted them off, and then they began playing. Unlike the day before, the sounds they made didn't make people wish to be deaf but still wasn't exactly music.

Pit stepped up to the microphone and started singing Kool Flamz's only single- 'My Bad BAD Angel.'

My Bad BAD Angel

By the Kool Flamz

We were living in a once upon a time,

A world so fake it was a crime.

Your smile, a beacon, a shining light-

Was nothing more than plague and blight.

Chorus- Your heart's so heavy you sink like stones!

You're a little birdie that's never flown!

You're the chilling heat and freezing fire,

My once coveted desire-

My bad, BAD angel…

A liar to me.

My eyes were opened, I saw you true.

Broke was the pane of lies I saw you through.

Deceit and lies were your threads;

With them you entangled me in a web.

Chorus

Bridge- Whatcha gonna do now that I see you,

A knight in rusted armor on a donkey, not a horse?

Whatcha gonna do now that I know you,

Your heart sour like the Borsch?

Pit concluded with a loud, "YEAHH!" and a fist-pump. The audience clapped tentatively and rather unenthusiastically.

"At least I didn't buzz you," Dark Pit shrugged, though Medusa noticed his hand was dangerously close.

"'Sour like the Borsch?'" Phosphora repeated.

"Isn't Borsch a Russian soup?" Gaol wondered aloud.

"Yes, it is," Viridi answered.

"It's also the only word we could put in there that rhymed with 'horse,'" Hades added. "We did think of 'Norse,' but we didn't want to be rascist."

"Whatever," Dark Pit sniffed. "Gorgon Girls, you're up."

As they walked to the stage, Medusa thought she saw Gaol blush as Magnus gave her the thumbs-up sign. _What was THAT about? Could Palutena be right? Could they be married?_

"One, two, one, two, three, four!" Gaol cheered as she counted them off.

Angel in Disguise

By the Gorgon Girls

-Introduction-

Palutena felt butterflies as Medusa began playing the introduction on the piano. The music, in contrast to Kool Flamz, was soft and lilting in nature, so it was important to set just the right tone when singing the lyrics. She caught Pit's eye. He smiled. Palutena felt her cheeks warm and, ignoring dirty looks from both Viridi and Phosphora, began to sing.

We wandered onto the scene of the crime,

At the end of our blissful once upon a time.

The light of hope died in the dark,

The world below scarred with ugly marks.

-Phosphora and Viridi made their entrance, playing softly, and Gaol entered with just a couple of cymbals-

Chorus- Hold on, here he comes, the angel in disguise,

Ready to go the length to claim the prize.

Beat the villain, save the girl,

But how was he to know?

He's just an angel in disguise, and-

Well, it's not enough, guys.

So there we were, words on our lips,

Both of us untouched by Time's kiss.

So much to say, so much to do;

It's a shame our fantasies never came true.

-Chorus-

Bridge- Let's pretend, just for a moment, that it came true.

Let's pretend, for a moment, just us two.

Let's pretend that we can fly away.

Let's pretend we can see the dawn of our new day.

-Chorus-

-Just Palutena and Medusa's keyboard-

So there we were, words on our lips,

Never to share that forbidden kiss.

Too little to say, too much to do;

It's a shame our fantasies

Never came true.

Palutena gave a weak smile as she let the last note fade. Was it too obvious what the song was about? She hoped not.

Kool Flamz was about as enthralled with clapping as the Gorgon Girls were, though Palutena thought for sure that her band had given the better performance.

Hades blew his nose on a kerchief. "That piano solo… tugs at your heart strings," he said, then tossed the kerchief over his shoulder. "Only for a moment, though."

"My opinion's different," Dark Pit said, "and it's MY opinion that matters." He stood. "After much thought-"

"What, two seconds' worth?" Viridi interrupted.

"Ahem!" Once he was certain everyone was paying attention to him, Dark Pit continued, "After much thought, I have decided who has defeated the other in Battle of the Bands. The winner is…"

**CHOOSE!**

**If **Kool Flamz** won, go to Ending Two.**

**If **Gorgon Girls** won, go to Ending Three.**

**If** Dark Pit** wins, go to Ending Four.  
**

**ENDING ONE- Pittoo is a No-Show**

Unable to wait any longer, Viridi scampered to Dark Pit's room to _drag _him downstairs by force if necessary but returned empty-handed. "He's not home," she scowled.

"The traitor!" Medusa growled. "I paid him the ten dollars in advance!"

"If he's not home," Pit said, "then where is he?"

Dark Pit grinned to himself. Ah, yes, this wasn't bad. His wings hidden in a hoodie (which was _very _uncomfortable; he had no clue how Maximum Ride and her flock managed), he had managed to land himself tickets to REAL music- a Nintendo symphonic suite. No way was he going to listen to a bunch of lameos pretending to play music when he had already bought the tickets. The ten dollars advance from Medusa wasn't bad either- he'd bought a large amount of candy with it and was pigging out.

He got back to Palutena's mansion way past dinner. He expected her to be absolutely enraged and ready to throttle him- she was a bit controllive, after all- but he was a little surprised to find Medusa, Gaol, Phosphora, Viridi, Magnus, Pyrrhon, Hades, and Pit in line as well.

"You forgot something," Medusa said softly and darkly.

"Oh, that. Right. Well, after yesterday's racket, I decided I like my ears still on my head. I'm not going to listen to you fools fail."

"But I paid you!" Medusa protested.

"Yeah, to judge. And I did. I judged that Darke is the winner."

"Who's Darke?" Gaol asked. She was eyeing him with distaste. He expected that. But she was an overly-sensitive idiot anyway. How else would Medusa have convinced her to switch to the Underworld Army and put on a piece of cursed armor anyway?

"You're looking at him," Dark Pit replied smugly. "I even got myself a record label. I'm just that awesome." Then he walked past their open, gaping mouths to finally beat the Giant Ugly Boss With an Extremely Long Name that Spouts Evil.

**Ending Two- Kool Flamz Takes the Cake**

"… Kool Flamz," Dark Pit finished.

The boy band erupted into loud cheers and whoops.

"Hold on!" Palutena protested. "We were better! Anyone can hardly _stand _that music!"

"True," Dark Pit agreed. "They're terrible. They made me want to rip my ears off."

"Then how did they win?" Viridi demanded.

"Maybe I just don't like you," Dark Pit retorted. He made sure to match gazes with Gaol as he said this. "Or maybe they paid me a ton more than ten dollars." He held up a crisp fifty dollar bill. The looks on the Gorgon Girls' faces were murderous. It would have been wise to exit the scene. So Dark Pit began to do so. "Anyway," he said as he backed towards the window, wings fanning out behind him, "_I'm _the real talent here. I've even got a record label." He grinned at them, just because he knew it'd raise their hackles, and jumped backwards through the window. Shattered glass flew everywhere, even cutting a long, jagged streak on his cheek, but he didn't care. He was up and out of there.

"He's getting away!" shrieked Phosphora.

Palutena raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?" She smirked.

Gaol snickered. "He doesn't have the power of flight anymore. Now that Pandora's got her body back, he can't fly. He'll sink like a stone. He'll probably need an ambulance, though. That's a pretty big fall."

"Already called one," Pyrrhon announced. "Pyrrhon is always taking the initiative!"

"Whatever," Pit dismissed. "But, Lady Palutena, his wings-"

"Won't be noticed," she reassured him. "I'll activate my Power of Filtering Perception. They'll still be there, but will just be overlooked."

"Like a Perception Filter in Doctor Who!" Pit understood.

"Nerd," Viridi scoffed.

"Nothing wrong with Doctor Who," Palutena defended.

"Wait a minute…" Pit turned to Gaol. "Did you say that he'll sink like a stone?"

"I did, yes. Why? Can you think of a more apt analogy?"

Pit grinned. "Yo heart so heavy ya SIIIIINNNNKKK like STOOONNNEEEEEE! Yur my- ah!" He dodged an attack aimed at him.

"Do not sing another word," Phosphora growled, "or I'm having barbecued angel wings for breakfast tomorrow."

**Ending Three- Gorgon Girls Stone the Competition**

"… Gorgon Girls," Dark Pit finished.

The girl group burst into whoops and hugged each other, with the exception of Phosphora- no one likes being electrocuted, no matter how happy they are. Even Medusa and Palutena hugged, though the snakes protested.

"Why are they hugging?" Pit whispered to Magnus.

"It's a girl thing," he replied as Gaol flung herself into his arms. He didn't seem to mind.

"Hold on!" Hades cried. "Pittoo, we bribed you!"

"Oh, yeah, that." Dark Pit shrugged. "Bribes don't always work. Besides," he added smugly, "I know what real talent is. They're it. You're not."

"And how would you know?" Magnus growled, no longer hugging Gaol, though he did secretly give her a thumbs-up. Medusa wanted to gag.

"Because. I've already got a record label as Darke, the mysterious pianist and soloist." Dark Pit grinned. "Do you want a signed album?"

"I will snap your thin neck!" Hades snarled, and jumped for Dark Pit. Pittoo dashed to the side to avoid him but landed on his butt. Hades turned and ran towards him, but was blown backwards as Palutena activated her power of wind. Viridi and Phosphora moved in front of him protectively. Pyrrhon and Pit didn't seem to mind, though. Pyrrhon engaged in battle with Phosphora while Pit attempted to pin Viridi to the wall long enough to tie her down. Magnus and Gaol watched the scene and made no move to either join or leave their fellow pantheon members.

Eventually, Gaol turned and helped Dark Pit up while Magnus went to aide Pit just so it looked like he was doing something.

"I can get up on my own," Dark Pit complained as she hoisted him to his feet.

"I know. Let me dote a little on you, okay?" Gaol sighed. "You and Pit are the youngest people here and, believe it or not, a lot of the pantheon is concerned for your well-being. Palutena shows it very clearly when it comes to Pit, but she cares for you too, and I also wouldn't like to see you get hurt. Be careful, okay?"

Dark Pit nodded, then added, "I'm sorry for what I said earlier."

"No problem," Gaol replied. "Now, um..." She surveyed the scene in the living room. "This looks like a full-out brawl."

"Uh-huh," Dark Pit agreed. "Say, how about I show you the agency instead of us hanging around here with these losers?"

"It'd be my pleasure." With one last look back, Gaol and Dark Pit exited the scene. Medusa cried for help, but either Gaol didn't hear her… or ignored her.

**Ending Four- Darke Steps Into the Light**

"…"

Medusa frowned. "Oi! Dark Pit! Who won?"

Dark Pit grinned. "Me."

"You!" Pyrrhon began to clap, then stopped. "Hey! Wait a minute- you? How did _you _win? You didn't even perform!"

"My bad," Dark Pit shrugged. "Darke has whupped up a new single just for you lackluster pinheads. I call it, 'Second is the Best.' Wanna hear it?" He sat down at the piano and began to play.

**Second is the Best**

**By Darke**

Mirror of Truth or Pane of Lies…

Doesn't matter, its name is a disguise.

Cracked glass and falling feathers,

No one knows whether

Chorus: First is the worst and

Second is the best.

Originals are over-rated.

I am fading out of obscurity,

Can angels put up with scrutiny?

I think not!

Level-headed, in the game, Pittoo is not my name!

I'm dark, sweetheart, a dark dark pit;

Careful you don't fall in the abyss.

Chorus x2

Dark Pit finished with a flair, enjoying the stunned looks on everyone's faces. Pit's was beet red.

"Those were the stupidest lyrics I ever heard," Palutena said, "but your music… beautiful."

Everyone else nodded in agreement, except for Pit. "You're sooo bad!" he shouted. "Right, guys? Right?"

"Angels shouldn't be jealous, Pit," Palutena reprimanded.

"I'm not jealous!" Pit exclaimed.

"Of course you are," Dark Pit retorted smugly. "Everyone knows that first is the worst and second is the best."

"Where's the me with treasure?" Pit asked.

"Um, what?" Viridi frowned.

"You know, the third one with the treasure chest!"

"I think he's referring to the rhyme," Magnus clarified. "You know, 'First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the treasure chest.'"

"There is no third you," Palutena said. "My goodness, Pit, just two of you is bad enough."

"In my opinion, just one is terrible," Medusa quipped.

"Hear, hear," agreed Hades.


End file.
